10:27 p.m. - 2010-01-20
eyes wide open
Today was a strange day for me. Strange in many different ways and on different levels. I had training for a new position at work which required me to spend the day at the office during normal working hours, 9-5:30.
I woke up with the alarm and Wade something that hasn't happened in months. I then worked my way through all the processes of getting ready rather than my typical one or two.
Once baby was up we wished Daddy farewell and hurried through breakfast and backing the diaper bag. Snuck in some quick tickles and giggles while dressing the babe and headed out the door.
Dropped Wy off at the sitters and remember how this *used* to be the norm, and ran out the door trying to arrive on time--which I did, in fact early.
It didn't sink in until 10:30 at my first break. When I tried to use an office courtesy phone to reach my Man. Then my brain went into overactive freak out mode. I could not rid the images of horrible accidents happening to my little one and no one being able to reach me. By the time I ran out the office at 5:30 I was certain he would die in the hospital before I could get home and discover the incident.
I rushed out of there only to find myself stalled on the freeway behind a long line of tail-lights while tears and raindrops fell freely, blurring my vision.
As I inched home watching the clock I listened to my well worn Josh Groban cd when another "favorite" started. I know all the words to this song, I know this son--it is nothing new to me. On this drive home it had a new meaning and I could not stop from sobbing. While I have always heard this as a romantic love song, today I heard a parent speaking a growing child.
AWAKE
A beatiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arrving without warning
I need you here with me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other
So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me
If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other
So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see
We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today
And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today
It probably doesn't help that last night I comforted my little boy back to sleep in the dim light of the nursery, rocking slowly back and forth much longer than it took for his eyes to close. That I sat there thinking I could stay there forever and watch him sleep because tomorrow he would be different--always growing.
How fitting this song was for me today. I will remember all the love we shared. Even as time passes and he doesn't need me anymore and for now I will have my eyes wide open catching it all and hoping for it to never change.
