7:24 p.m. - 2008-10-12
I made a promise
It all started when we were discussing our family size with some friends. Wade said " we will have another one when Paula can stay home." I have been trying to get Wade to tell me the truth about his ideal for children planning since we had Wyatt and I decided 4-5 years would work for me. He never said much until Friday night and it kind of took me by surprise.
It makes sense, and I always say I will not have another until I can stay home... since the stress and anxiety takes too much away from the excitement of the new arrival. The day we came home from the hospital I went into hysterics thinking about going back to work--and finding someone to watch him. I cried for 4 straight hours and when I called my sister crying so hard I couldn't speak she surely thought someone had died. So I vowed then and there I wouldn't have another until I could stay home... but not that I would have another as soon as I could stay home--- BIG DIFFERENCE.
When Wade said this so matter of factly I started pondering it. I couldn't get it from my mind and since Sunday was Fast Sunday I made a deal as I fasted. I would add another to our family as soon as I could spend my life devoted to my children and home (whether it be in one month or one year) AND that I would have as MANY as He had in store for us. I have strong opinions about large families and due to that have often thought the smaller the better, this was a HUGE step for me. When I told Wade he laughed and said I was going to end up having 12! Maybe I will, I am truly committed to following through with my promise.
I did have a few moments of panic as I considered what I had comitted myself to. Could I really end the birth control today if a miracle occured??? The statement of having as many as He has in store for us seemed so similar to my Mother's comment about having 13 children because she wanted as many as God would give her. Is there a difference or will I become the mother of 13 children that I can't possibly love or care for?? In the end, I believe God knows me and he knows the desires of my heart. They are as pure as they have ever been, I trust in his plan for me, for my family.
