10:21 p.m. - 2008-11-05
love?
Wade was lucky enough to hear all my ramblings on love over dinner tonight. Its something that I have been thinking about since about July 14. Love. I have struggled with the idea of love my entire life-- or at least the since I learned what love is, or is suppose to be.
I find love hard. Something that I didn't feel worthy of and somedays I still feel that way. I told Wade on one of our first dates that I didn't think God loved me. I don't think that anymore, but I still struggle with LOVE.
What made me start pondering all this? Being a mom. I have unexplainable love for my child. I rock him and my heart feels 5 times larger than it should. I love him so much that I can physically feel it. That feeling makes me stop and wonder. I don't think I am have more love for my child than most mothers have. Which would mean that my mother very possibly felt that very same way for me 26 years ago. If she felt that way how could we end up the way we have? Was it me? did I break that bond some where along the course of my life or did she? or perhaps she didn't feel the same things I am feeling with my infant? It brings up too many questions for me to process.
I quickly switched gears and thought of Wade's mom. She must of held her new little child and felt all the feelings that bond a mother to her son--Her son that has pasted on so many of his traits to my son. I am living/feeling things she lived/felt 26 years ago. How often she comforted her little one and stroked his cheeks or looked into his blue eyes, just as I do today, and loved him with her whole heart. Passing her love from herself to her son, on to his son. How is it that some love can last and be passed on , and another love be lost ? Am I destined to continue the cycle? WIll my love be lost to? Or can I transfer my love on for generations as it was always meant to be given and received?
